Dear YU Observer:
A year ago, someone forwarded to me the February 19, 2013 article by Tali Adler about my book The Magic Touch, entitled “The Magic Touch: Banning the Right Books.” I didn’t reply because, aside from the fact that I believe banning books is ridiculous, it was clear to me that I had been selectively quoted and severely misunderstood (as Samantha Klein pointed out in her March 20 rebuttal). Nevertheless, I have now decided to respond.
Reading Ms. Adler’s accusation that The Magic Touch made girls who hadn’t been shomer negiah feel as if their lives were over, I thought in astonishment, “For heaven’s sake, don’t they know who wrote it?!” I was not a sweet, innocent little FFB (frum-from-birth) when I published The Magic Touch. I had spent a good 22 years in the secular world before becoming religious. I am the last person on earth who would say that a girl who’d ever touched a boy is doomed to despair and marital misery. Do I have regrets? Yes. Do I have memories I wish I didn’t have? You bet. And I would do anything I could to spare my readers those. But I moved on, married a wonderful man, and am deeply happy in my marriage. Perhaps because of my essential up-beat nature, it honestly never occurred to me that a girl would feel “ruined” because of her past.
But if that’s how some people have unfortunately taken my book, then clearly I am guilty of a serious omission. Thankfully, I have had a chance to make amends in my new book on “cherishing touch,” intended for religious Christians, entitled Hands Off! This May Be Love. Here’s what I included there:
What you’re saying is fine for young people who grew up understanding the system and followed it. Is there any comfort for those of us who made poor choices in the past, but now see the wisdom of cherishing touch?
I want to interject something important. Some people—particularly females—who regret past behaviors feel that if they’ve already had some physical or sexual involvement, they’re “ruined,” and there’s no hope for them. They couldn’t be more wrong. If that were so, it would discourage us from growing as we move through life.
God is the God of Second Chances (and Third, and Fourth, and Fifth…). While we cannot undo the past and must face the consequences of our actions, we can (in ways we don’t always understand) redeem the past by sincerely changing our ways. Both the Bible and history are replete with examples of those who became great as a reaction to terrible wrongs they committed. Jews see Jacob’s fourth son, Judah, as a prototype of sinning and repenting, and for this overcoming of the past, the kings of Israel descend from him. Clergyman John Newton’s slave trading past led him to be a powerful anti-slavery voice as well as an inspiration to millions through his song Amazing Grace. Certainly, those of us who have made personal errors can also transcend those mistakes. Myriad examples like this can show how a negative experience can catapult us higher than we might have reached without it.
In the Jewish tradition, each lunar month is associated with one of the signs of the zodiac. The time of year particularly suited to starting over occurs during the month of Elul (usually falling out over the period of August and September), which precedes Rosh HaShanah, the Jewish New Year. What is incredible is that the astrological sign for this month is a virgin. This is to remind us that we can never be irrevocably defiled. In the physical world, we may not be able to restore virginity, but in the spiritual world, we can. No matter what we’ve done or what has happened to us, a place in our souls remains pure. At any time and however far down a wrong path we think we are, we can always tap into that place.
Those who have made mistakes, in fact, have a unique opportunity. Ancient Jewish wisdom states: “In the place where the repentant stand, even the perfectly righteous cannot stand.” This is not meant to encourage us to do wrong or foolish things, but it does make us aware that, after the fact, there are benefits in which we can take comfort. As someone who lived a secular lifestyle until age twenty-two, I have a far greater appreciation of sexual morality that I would otherwise have, and I am immensely grateful for that. My previous mistakes have, in their own way, brought me closer to God and increased my love for Him.
In short, you are never “ruined.” You can always return, stronger than before. You are always God’s beloved child. Knowing that goes a long way in helping you overcome the drawbacks in human relationships that result from past behavior.
Even those with no relationship to God recognize the universality of “turning over a new leaf.” Life would be oppressive and dark if we didn’t accept that, despite all our mistakes, each day brings new opportunity. This book is meant as a path forward, not as a weight to cause anyone to feel burdened by past behavior.
I hope this sets the record straight on my beliefs, and I hope that those who change their lives after reading The Magic Touch will do so with joy and optimism for the future.
Sincerely,
Gila Manolson