Brookdale Elevator Records Break All-time Low

In a press release Thursday, February 14, 2013, a team of Guinness World Record judges officially declared that Stern College for Women Brookdale Residence dormitory elevators are “slowest” in North America.

Following up on an email invitation sent by an SCW Physics major and Brookdale resident, a team of Guinness judges arrived 9 am Thursday to seriously assess the claim. Official record-keepers finally released the numbers: it took 26.12 minutes for one elevator to descend from the 20^th floor to the first floor lobby.

In the past, many Brookdale students’ have had to change their morning plans due to the elevator lag. In a recent private survey, 99.9% of students answered affirmatively when asked whether their tardiness to morning classes is the fault of the Brookdale elevators. “I once came half an hour late to my Orgo class because the elevator was so slow. It stopped on every floor,” an 18^th floor-FTOC (and Pre-Med student) recalled, almost in tears. “I missed the entire first part of the lecture on carbon and hydrogen and its effect on the oxidation system.”

When reached for comment, one 15^th floorer described how she missed her flight to St. Louis for Winter Break because the elevators were so jam-packed on the night of her flight. “There was so much elevator traffic that by the time I got down to the lobby, my cab had left. I ended up spending winter break in Nicaragua instead with the CJF,” she explained. Why Nicaragua, of all places? “I heard they didn’t have elevators there.”

Brookdale’s notable elevator-speed record has been added to the YU Today Fact-book and is now touted among Stern’s other glowing and nationally-recognized achievements, right between YU’s 89% graduation retention rate and most loyal alumni network. The press release from the Guinness team has been framed in the Dean’s office.

In a celebratory event acknowledging the new record, President Joel stated, “Thanks to this recent development, U.S. News and World Reports have now raised Yeshiva University’s ranking from 46^th best university in the nation to 45^th. We feel uplifted by this recent recognition, and we are proud that we are continuously ennobled and enabled by our ever-progressing technological advancements.”

The celebratory event was fittingly held in the 19^th floor Brookdale Lounge this past Thursday evening. Unfortunately, media photographers and Fox News reporters arrived 26.9 minutes late for the speech.

When contacted for comment, Rachel Kraut, director of student housing, said, “Among other emotions, I feel proud that Stern Housing has been…recognized by such a respected and honorable organization.” Fidgeting, she then quickly excused herself and declined to comment further.

Although Brookdale features staircases, the mechanical mode of ascension is the favored route for most dormers. “Why take the stairs when we have elevators?” answered many wide-eyed students upon being questioned. “It’s such a long way up,” they declared, refusing to even glance in the direction of the staircases. The consensus was confirmed when a group of 12 juniors, returning to Brookdale late Thursday night, attempted to pack themselves into the 2×2 sq. ft. elevator. When three of them realized that the elevator doors couldn’t close because they stood halfway in between the lobby and elevators, they reluctantly stepped out, distraught. Instead of taking the stairs, the students waited 12.9 minutes for the next available elevator.

It was later revealed the juniors in question reside on the 3^rd floor.

However, some students do, in fact, prefer stairs; in particular, student athletes make up 99.9% of the staircase club. Meira Lerner, for example, who also happens to be the athletics student leader, had a vocal opinion about this statistic. “The laziness here is definitely palpable,” she remarked, shaking her head. If only more people would join the Cross-country team, they’d be able to take the stairs more easily and quickly. Or, students can also join the softball team. We still have a few openings!” She announced. “Even limping down steps after practice is better than taking the elevator,” she added firmly. (Ed. note: It appears that Meira’s opinion on utilizing the elevator was personally impacted by her experience of getting trapped in the 35th Street elevator during Hurricane Sandy.)

But not many students heed Lerner’s advice.

In an effort to change this Black-Plague-like avoidance of staircases, various student leaders have taken to voluntarily policing elevators. The volunteer elevator police organization has formally announced its new chair, Meira Lerner.

Student patrol the elevators to ensure that students are not pushing buttons 2-12.  The rules? “If you live on the 12^th floor or lower, you can walk up,” explained one patrol security member, designated by badges.

While some residents are defying orders rebelliously (“If I want to take the elevator from the 1^st floor to the basement, or vice versa, I reserve the right to keep doing that,” said an anonymous senior who lives on the 2^nd floor), terrified-looking freshmen have been spotted adhering meticulously to this new rule.

However, this new policy does ramifications. A few 19^th-floor freshmen were found unconscious on the 17^th floor landing, having fainted from the physical strain. Hatzalah rushed in to revive them.