Feeling intimidated is exclusive to neither the timorous nor the insecure. It is a feeling experienced by both the bold and shy alike. A reference to the ‘I was once intimated by you’ conversation evokes a knowing nod from most. The unique feeling, nesting somewhere between jealously and reverence, does not discriminate based on gender, looks, or age.
A topic so powerful and pervasive begs further inquiry. What is it that makes someone ‘intimidating?’ Are there certain, universal characteristics that are considered intimating? How do men and women respond to intimidation differently? And, what is it about being deemed ‘intimidating’ that holds such special intrigue?
A survey circulated among the undergraduate student body at Yeshiva University collected a milieu of responses to these questions. Students, left the option of remaining anonymous, answered with the utmost honesty and candidness. In just one day of circulation, the survey had received over forty responses.
Some stats: 90% of the women polled were exclusively intimidated by other women. On the other hand, 75% of the men polled were not intimidated by other men, but rather by women. Explained Adam Rosenberg, YC junior, “At least from my personal perspective as a guy, I feel like when I interact with other guys, I do not feel as much pressure to impress them or get them to like me because we are simply trying to forge the bonds of companionship and camaraderie. With girls, however, since there is always the subconscious flicker which says, ‘if you impress her, maybe she will like you and you will like her and you will marry her some day,’ guys appear to be much more intimidated by a girl’s presence.’ While that example is a bit extreme, I believe that subconsciously, whether or not they are cognitively aware of it, this is what many guys are thinking.” Further added an anonymous YC senior, who termed himself the ‘Truth Teller’, “Girls by their nature arouse feelings in men that we can’t control. That intimidates us—wondering what this mystical power is that draws us to you without us even knowing who you are. It can lead to intimidation, love, or severe dislike (if we are ignored by this person).”
In terms of why women are intimidated of other women, explained one Stern junior, “women are most often confident in their abilities to influence men using their sexuality. While the power dynamic between men and women will never be completely equal, both men and women have a specific domain in which they can excel within the relationship. Men can be the protectors, the conquerors—women can be the desired and the sought after. When it comes to other women, we really have nothing ‘up’ on them. Therefore, they are often viewed as outright competition. Competition is intimidating.”
Several felt the survey lacking by asking participants to choose between being intimidated by someone of the same gender or the opposite gender, no option for both or neither provided. “The correct answer: both,” explained Mordechai Smith, YC senior. “Intimidation does not have one root, but rather different sources that can manifest different intimidation symptoms, sometimes toward the same gender and sometimes towards the other.” He went on to explain that, speaking as a male, intimidation of other males can be rooted in “physical intimidation (rooted in the other) and low self-esteem (rooted in oneself).” He drew a parallel between physical intimidation in the male world and “emotional intimidation” that largely takes place in the female world.
The question “what makes someone intimidating” garnered a surprisingly uniform collection of responses. The words that arose most frequently were “confident,” “aloof,” “put together,” and “unfazed.” Beauty and intelligence were both mentioned, intelligence making a more pronounced appearance. According to an anonymous female junior, someone intimidating “holds power you deem valuable and wields it in a way that matters to you.” “Intimidation is fearing the unknown,” said Dasha Sominski, Stern junior. “We will feel frightened when someone knows something better than we do—it makes us feel almost like a child.”
Many noted that feeling intimidated does not have to do with traits possessed by the other. “I think intimidation is actually most dependent on the person who is feeling intimidated,” observed Sarina Miller, Stern senior. “Intimidation comes from feeling insecure, or from concern of being judged negatively by a particular individual.” Gabriella Elkaim, Stern junior, connected intimidation with our rudimentary need to feel “validated.” “When a person communicates by manner or look or tone that you are unnecessary, it is demeaning. Those of us who come across as indifferent or too independent are intimidating because they make us feel unnecessary.”
When that perceived distance is eliminated, often the feeling of intimidation shortly abates. “Regardless of someone’s greater strengths in various social skills, were he to befriend me and accept me then I would no longer feel intimidated,” said Isaac Attia, YC senior. “At the end of the day, no one is intimidating once you get to know them,” wrote Steve Greenberg, YC junior.
Stats: when asked if more intimidated by someone more similar to oneself or more different, 85% of participants responded that more similar is more intimidating. “A pauper isn’t jealous if a prince marries the princess in his city, only if another pauper does,” one Stern junior wrote, referencing a very famous Biblical commentary. “You’re not jealous of something that was never an actual possibility for you. Like jealousy, feeling intimidated comes from a place of insecurity where you could be secure potentially.”
“It’s people similar to me but a few years older,” said one Stern FTOC. “They look like they have it so together! In your head you’re saying, someday I’ll be just like her.” Intimidation is a good way to figure out “who you want to be friends with,” commented one Stern sophomore. “I think those people are awesome. Because I’m intimidated, it takes a lot of strength for me to open up to them, but I value my relationships with those people the most.”
Moving from the role of intimated to role of intimidator, being called “intimidating” evokes a diverse amalgam of responses. 68% of participants did not consider being called intimidating a compliment, while 33% did. “This is going to sound crazy, but it means you are powerful. It helps boost my ego,” responded one Stern junior. “Being intimidating shows you are respected,” said one YC junior. “If any guy is honest he’ll admit—being the alpha-male is what we’re programmed to want. If other dudes are intimidated, we’re gaining ground.”
On the other hand, the majority felt it a derogatory term. Said Margot Reinstein, Stern senior, “I strive to be the most friendly and approachable person I can be. Intimidation often comes when people are closed or don’t allow other people in. Unfortunately, for those people who are less open, their demeanor comes off as mean.” One Stern freshman went so far as to express sympathy for the intimidator: “Being intimidating may lead to isolation on the intimidator’s side, rendering him/her lonely.”
Most qualified that the connotation of being termed “intimidating” depended heavily on context. Explained Tal Meiri, Stern junior, “I consider it a compliment in the right context and/or when I know the ‘complimenter’ lacks the vocabulary to give a more specific description. For example, being called intimidating in a Debate competition is fantastic, whilst having my friends or high school buddies say so would mean I’m probably too untouchable and/or cut-throat.”
Whether the intimidated or the intimidator, the dynamic creates a defined social dance. Recognizing that so many others share the same experience, and the complex accompanying emotions, is an exceptionally comforting realization. It is natural to use others as tools for self-assessment. On the other hand, self-assessment is helpful only if it leads to self-improvement. Feelings of inadequacy, ineptitude, and insufficiency inevitably stagnate progress. “Intimidation can motivate, but only if you love yourself a heck of a lot first,” concluded one thoughtful Stern sophomore. “And hey—thanks for making me fill out this survey. Hope it wasn’t too personal.”
Dear anonymous—never too personal, and not a problem.
Intimidation: A Case Study
Feeling intimidated is exclusive to neither the timorous nor the insecure. It is a feeling experienced by both the bold and shy alike. A reference to the ‘I was once intimated by you’ conversation evokes a knowing nod from most. The unique feeling, nesting somewhere between jealously and reverence, does not discriminate based on gender, looks, or age.
A topic so powerful and pervasive begs further inquiry. What is it that makes someone ‘intimidating?’ Are there certain, universal characteristics that are considered intimating? How do men and women respond to intimidation differently? And, what is it about being deemed ‘intimidating’ that holds such special intrigue?
A survey circulated among the undergraduate student body at Yeshiva University collected a milieu of responses to these questions. Students, left the option of remaining anonymous, answered with the utmost honesty and candidness. In just one day of circulation, the survey had received over forty responses.
Some stats: 90% of the women polled were exclusively intimidated by other women. On the other hand, 75% of the men polled were not intimidated by other men, but rather by women. Explained Adam Rosenberg, YC junior, “At least from my personal perspective as a guy, I feel like when I interact with other guys, I do not feel as much pressure to impress them or get them to like me because we are simply trying to forge the bonds of companionship and camaraderie. With girls, however, since there is always the subconscious flicker which says, ‘if you impress her, maybe she will like you and you will like her and you will marry her some day,’ guys appear to be much more intimidated by a girl’s presence.’ While that example is a bit extreme, I believe that subconsciously, whether or not they are cognitively aware of it, this is what many guys are thinking.” Further added an anonymous YC senior, who termed himself the ‘Truth Teller’, “Girls by their nature arouse feelings in men that we can’t control. That intimidates us—wondering what this mystical power is that draws us to you without us even knowing who you are. It can lead to intimidation, love, or severe dislike (if we are ignored by this person).”
In terms of why women are intimidated of other women, explained one Stern junior, “women are most often confident in their abilities to influence men using their sexuality. While the power dynamic between men and women will never be completely equal, both men and women have a specific domain in which they can excel within the relationship. Men can be the protectors, the conquerors—women can be the desired and the sought after. When it comes to other women, we really have nothing ‘up’ on them. Therefore, they are often viewed as outright competition. Competition is intimidating.”
Several felt the survey lacking by asking participants to choose between being intimidated by someone of the same gender or the opposite gender, no option for both or neither provided. “The correct answer: both,” explained Mordechai Smith, YC senior. “Intimidation does not have one root, but rather different sources that can manifest different intimidation symptoms, sometimes toward the same gender and sometimes towards the other.” He went on to explain that, speaking as a male, intimidation of other males can be rooted in “physical intimidation (rooted in the other) and low self-esteem (rooted in oneself).” He drew a parallel between physical intimidation in the male world and “emotional intimidation” that largely takes place in the female world.
The question “what makes someone intimidating” garnered a surprisingly uniform collection of responses. The words that arose most frequently were “confident,” “aloof,” “put together,” and “unfazed.” Beauty and intelligence were both mentioned, intelligence making a more pronounced appearance. According to an anonymous female junior, someone intimidating “holds power you deem valuable and wields it in a way that matters to you.” “Intimidation is fearing the unknown,” said Dasha Sominski, Stern junior. “We will feel frightened when someone knows something better than we do—it makes us feel almost like a child.”
Many noted that feeling intimidated does not have to do with traits possessed by the other. “I think intimidation is actually most dependent on the person who is feeling intimidated,” observed Sarina Miller, Stern senior. “Intimidation comes from feeling insecure, or from concern of being judged negatively by a particular individual.” Gabriella Elkaim, Stern junior, connected intimidation with our rudimentary need to feel “validated.” “When a person communicates by manner or look or tone that you are unnecessary, it is demeaning. Those of us who come across as indifferent or too independent are intimidating because they make us feel unnecessary.”
When that perceived distance is eliminated, often the feeling of intimidation shortly abates. “Regardless of someone’s greater strengths in various social skills, were he to befriend me and accept me then I would no longer feel intimidated,” said Isaac Attia, YC senior. “At the end of the day, no one is intimidating once you get to know them,” wrote Steve Greenberg, YC junior.
Stats: when asked if more intimidated by someone more similar to oneself or more different, 85% of participants responded that more similar is more intimidating. “A pauper isn’t jealous if a prince marries the princess in his city, only if another pauper does,” one Stern junior wrote, referencing a very famous Biblical commentary. “You’re not jealous of something that was never an actual possibility for you. Like jealousy, feeling intimidated comes from a place of insecurity where you could be secure potentially.”
“It’s people similar to me but a few years older,” said one Stern FTOC. “They look like they have it so together! In your head you’re saying, someday I’ll be just like her.” Intimidation is a good way to figure out “who you want to be friends with,” commented one Stern sophomore. “I think those people are awesome. Because I’m intimidated, it takes a lot of strength for me to open up to them, but I value my relationships with those people the most.”
Moving from the role of intimated to role of intimidator, being called “intimidating” evokes a diverse amalgam of responses. 68% of participants did not consider being called intimidating a compliment, while 33% did. “This is going to sound crazy, but it means you are powerful. It helps boost my ego,” responded one Stern junior. “Being intimidating shows you are respected,” said one YC junior. “If any guy is honest he’ll admit—being the alpha-male is what we’re programmed to want. If other dudes are intimidated, we’re gaining ground.”
On the other hand, the majority felt it a derogatory term. Said Margot Reinstein, Stern senior, “I strive to be the most friendly and approachable person I can be. Intimidation often comes when people are closed or don’t allow other people in. Unfortunately, for those people who are less open, their demeanor comes off as mean.” One Stern freshman went so far as to express sympathy for the intimidator: “Being intimidating may lead to isolation on the intimidator’s side, rendering him/her lonely.”
Most qualified that the connotation of being termed “intimidating” depended heavily on context. Explained Tal Meiri, Stern junior, “I consider it a compliment in the right context and/or when I know the ‘complimenter’ lacks the vocabulary to give a more specific description. For example, being called intimidating in a Debate competition is fantastic, whilst having my friends or high school buddies say so would mean I’m probably too untouchable and/or cut-throat.”
Whether the intimidated or the intimidator, the dynamic creates a defined social dance. Recognizing that so many others share the same experience, and the complex accompanying emotions, is an exceptionally comforting realization. It is natural to use others as tools for self-assessment. On the other hand, self-assessment is helpful only if it leads to self-improvement. Feelings of inadequacy, ineptitude, and insufficiency inevitably stagnate progress. “Intimidation can motivate, but only if you love yourself a heck of a lot first,” concluded one thoughtful Stern sophomore. “And hey—thanks for making me fill out this survey. Hope it wasn’t too personal.”
Dear anonymous—never too personal, and not a problem.