She insisted on meeting me in my dorm. “It’s hard to blame anyone specific,” she explained, “but I feel pressured to date and marry. Not just anyone, but this guy needs a prestigious career which can cover the exorbitant cost of day school tuition, subscribe to specific religious doctrines, and fulfill all sorts of other criteria to be my ‘perfect’ husband.”
I sat on my covers wondering why she’s sharing her sociological observations about the Orthodox dating scene.
She continued, “Well I met this guy who fit all my criteria, and…” She paused. Seconds passed and I wondered what could possibly be swimming through her head. She tilted her head and she stared upwards, as though the ceiling beckoned with an answer.
“I was so sure he’d be the one.” Again she paused, longer now. “I just wanted it to work and…I think I was raped.”
For the next half hour she poured her soul to me. The enticement. The manipulation. The trauma. Everything.
As a mental health activist and a volunteer for the SOVRI Helpline (an Orthodox helpline for survivors of sexual violence and unwanted touching based in Mt Sinai-Beth Israel hospital), I’ve developed a reputation for being the vessel for others to share their experiences interacting with the underbelly of our Orthodox world. Despite the emotional challenges in volunteering there, I’ve been blessed to learn quite a bit about sexual violence and unwanted touch, realizing many of my prior assumptions were very, very wrong.
For one, it is ignorant and naïve to think that steadfast commitment to the laws of shmirat negiya, yichud, and niddah will automatically protect someone from unwanted touching. Some perpetrators will slyly manipulate their victim into an unwanted sexual encounter while other perpetrators are less methodical. And, yes, rape can happen in a pre-marital or a marital relationship. (In fact, the vast majority of sexual violence happens to people with a prior relationship.)
I encourage people to keep these halakhot. And indeed these laws can be a buffer against unwanted touch. But do not assume that these laws automatically guarantee safety; perpetrators don’t care if their victim keeps these laws or not. If only for this reason alone, all religious people must educate themselves about the meaning of sexual consent and having the capacity to vocally refuse unwanted sexual advances.
Second, I discovered how the victim’s religious support system is often ignorant about the meaning of sexual violence, thus leading to victim blaming. I’ll concretize this point with true story about a prominent Rosh Yeshiva from an East Coast Yeshiva (whose name will remain anonymous for the sake of his reputations).
A Rosh Yeshiva actually asked a victim: “The minute he touched you, you should have coiled away. Why didn’t you? What, you enjoyed it first then you didn’t like it?”
Assuming that a victim remained in the crime-scene because she enjoyed the sexual encounter is, frankly, ridiculous. Let this be clear: Sexual violence is traumatic and not enjoyable at all. Rape and assault are totally dissimilar from the pleasure and beauty of a healthy sexual relationship.
Rav Soloveichik encapsulates this idea so effectively when describing the psychological effects of inappropriate touch: “The person is depersonalized, desensitized and de-emotionalized.” (Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, Family Redeemed (MeOtzar HoRav: eds., David Shatz and Joel Wolowelsky, 2000, p. 93.)
Let’s use this as an opportunity to understand that no survivor “deserves” sexual violence or unwanted touch – even if their choice of transportation, apparel, or location made them more vulnerable. Rather, the blame falls squarely on the shoulders of perpetrators. Never blame the survivor for a perpetrator’s wrongdoing.
Here’s another lesson I’ve learned. Don’t assume that all survivors are helpless, inexperienced, young women. It is erroneous to think there’s a rigid prototype of a survivor. There’s a reason why SOVRI Helpline volunteers are trained to help children and adults, males and females, marrieds and singles, people with disabilities, and Jews from all the stripes of Orthodoxy. Everyone who calls the SOVRI Helpline has their own unique story of how they became a survivor and it has very little to do with their gender or age.
A last and important lesson is to recognize this: memories of the crime can last long after the crime has ended, thus affecting a survivor in subtle or overt ways even years later.
For example, when Sima Yarmush shared her story via the Jewish Community Watch, a recent triggering experience reminded her of the man who molested her many years beforehand. Or sometimes people call the SOVRI Helpine and say something to the effect of, “I was a survivor many years ago and already sought psychological help, but I still need a gynecologist who will be patient with me.”
Yes, healing from a sexual trauma is possible with a healthy dose of support from family, friends, and psychologists. But realize that there can be long-term effects. It is for this reason that victims need continuous support even years after they’ve experienced their trauma.
So why should you care? Because the current statistics are that about ¼ of women are survivors of attempted rape or other forms of assault. And it wouldn’t surprise me if the statistics were reasonably similar for the Orthodox community. It’s very likely that you know more than one person who is a survivor of sexual violence.
And the deeper reason for why you should care is because survivors need your physical presence and emotional support. It is for this reason that in Sima Yarmush’s address for the Jewish Community Watch, she was overflowing with gratitude to her grandmother and family for their strength and unwavering support.
I hope for the day when our community feels like a home. At home, we are honest with each other and ourselves about who we really are. At home we nurture and love each other. At home we feel safe. My experience at the SOVRI Helpline has taught me how to be passionate about providing a home for survivors, preventing abuse, and making a home to discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly about sexuality. And you should too.
Sarah Robinson is a senior majoring in Psychology and Jewish Studies with aspirations of becoming a clinical psychologist and Yoetzet Halacha.
If you are a victim of any sexual violence or unwanted touching, support is available. The SOVRI (Support for Orthodox Victims of Rape and Incest) Helpline is open from Monday-Thursday 9:00-5:30 and Friday from 9:00-1:30pm; the helpline number is 888-613-1613.