In a surprise move on Sunday, Richard Joel announced that he would be replaced as YU president by Donald Trump. “He’s doing so well in the Republican primaries,” said Joel, “and we felt his always be winning mentality would be a great fit for this school.”
Activist group YU Students for Trump applauded the move, with one male student who wished to remain anonymous saying, “The Donald is great with business. He can take our university back to the black. I’m looking forward to his reign!” When the student was asked what he thought about the many allegations against Mr. Trump, including fiscal mismanagement, sexism, and racism, he stammered for a moment, then said, “Oh look, my mom is calling,” as he held his calculator to his ear and hurried away.
Mr. Trump declined to make a speech, as he had a court appointment to file a civil suit “against some old grandma who looked at me funny,” but he briefly posed for pictures with outgoing President Joel in Yagoda Commons. Several shots feature Mr. Trump standing at a podium bearing the YU logo, President Joel behind him. After the pictures were posted on Yeshiva University’s Twitter and Instagram feeds, Joel was forced to send out an email assuring the student and faculty body that Trump had not received the job because he was holding Joel’s grandchildren hostage. “Mr. Trump has my full endorsement,” said Joel’s email. “I believe he is the only candidate who can save this institution.”
Trump’s attempted exit from 215 Lexington was barred by protesting students, leading to a clash between Mr. Trump’s detractors and fans. In the brawl that ensued, thirty students and two security guards were injured, and were sent to the student health center immediately. When Mr. Trump was asked about the violence exhibited by his fans, he shrugged and said, “What violence?” Multiple students present at the melee however, say they saw Mr. Trump eating popcorn and laughing, and one says she even heard him yell at a student to “kick that wimpy girl in the shins.” When Joel expressed hesitations about his support of the violence, she says Mr. Trump told him, “It’s just show business.”
Trump sent out his first sstud/ystud shortly after, with the subject line reading, “Listen up LOSERS and HATERS!” One paragraph of the email reads, “I’m not going to be like all the other presidents, begging for money like a dog. SO SAD! Those dopey clowns were not presidential. BAD! I am the most presidential.” He signed off the email with the hashtag #MAKEYUGREATAGAIN!
One student expressed hesitations about Trump’s appointment, pointing out that his email stated he would “honer” (sic) the university. “If he can’t even spell, why is he being put in charge of a college?” she wondered.
Another Stern student expressed concern at appointing a university president with no education background. While some fans of Mr. Trump said his outsider status makes him appealing, many feel his total lack of knowledge will put the school at a massive disadvantage, leading to the collapse of YU.
Stern students continued to protest, pointing to Mr. Trump’s history of sexism, with many taking to Twitter to call for YU to #DumpTrump. When Trump heard of the allegations, he tweeted, “Stern girls say I hate women. Nobody loves women more than me: that’s why I married three of them. Let me buy you all pretty high heels.” In retaliation, some female students covered the tips of baby carrots in wall insulation and posted pictures of them on Mr. Trump’s social media pages. The caption read, “You and this carrot look identical: but it has more leadership ability than you.” Mr. Trump instantly hit back, tweeting, “LOSERS and HATERS at YU trying to get me fired, but the people love me! SAD!” A second tweet moments later started that Trump intended to “ban all baby carrots. Forever.” A third tweet simply read, “Apologize.”
As students continued to demonstrate, Mr. Trump sent out his second school-wide email, this time addressed to the uptown campus. “Those girls are stupid and unattractive. BAD! I can say that because I insist on being politically incorrect. I never lie. We’re not getting the best girls at this school. We’re not getting your sister, or your sister. We’re getting the girls with lots of problems. We’re getting the degenerates. I will build a wall across Lexington Avenue to keep them out. And do you know what? Those girls will fund the wall out of their student loans. #MAKEYUGREATAGAIN!”
Female students linked arms outside 245 while singing “Eve of Destruction,” intending to form a human barricade to prevent Mr. Trump from entering the building. “We’re protesting peacefully,” said a TAC board member. Some female students pushed for a more overt outcry however, burning an effigy of Mr. Trump in Koch Auditorium, telling students that s’mores and a sing-along would be on offer as well.
Meanwhile, Mr. Trump had renamed the school buildings Trump University: Reloaded, and was demanding access to the cafeteria, where, he said, he would sit down to a nice Trump steak, soon to be the only meal option for downtown and uptown campuses. As YU board members resigned in protest and students demonstrated in Times Square, Mr. Trump finished his steak and ruffled his hair. “They love me,” he said with a smirk.